Lost - Requiescat In Pace

Many moons ago my son D & I happened on Lost, that TV pheomenon beloved by so many. We became sort-of-fans, watching seasons II & III (and eventually some of I). When the time travel intruded, the violence escalated and the obfuscations became intolerable, we dropped out.

Yesterday at a lunch with my charming friend DCV, I was reminded that the finale was on at 9pm. I should have ignored this, but I watched it anyway. I wrote my black-hearted friend thus:

"OK kiddo you owe me big time. As in two bloody precious hours of my life (ie 2-1/2 less commercials which I skipped) which, if you had not reminded me of the finale of Lost, I would not have WASTED. I hope you saw it too so at the least we can bitch about it together, that would be misery loving company indeed.

TERMINALLY F%%%ING PRETENTIOUS. Not to say utterly incomprehensible (even allowing for my not having seen this entire season.) Lots of portentous music, not even the interesting stuff that a show like Battlestar Galactica could pull off...they at least had a name-brand composer. Lots of half sentences, trailing off into nothingness  as we hang on breathlessly....say whaaa??  who?? why?? 

Guns, knives, sundry mayhem (where do they get those damn bullets anyway?...at least BSG had a whole spaceship devoted to heavy manufacturing.)  Everyone dies. Except they don't. John get brutally shot, knifed, and kicked over a cliff. This may indicate some animus on the part of his attackers (Jack, Kate and Sawyer) but he's there with them in friendly avuncular mode at the end.

Lots of flashes, shaky-cam and falling things, mostly unrecognizable. The requisite sci-fi shot with a pool of glowing light which gets slowly brighter and brighter until the screen turns stark white. Did I mention cliches? This last apparently was to show the island was not (yes, not) destroyed. I may have this wrong.
 
One saving grace (at least from a male viewpoint): Kate in 5" heels and a super tight short black cocktail dress, all too briefly, (mouthing aforementioned pretentious half sentences to poor Jack, who's dead, I think or maybe not) and Juliet (she's also the ditzy FBI agent in V) in a push-up bra showing serious cleavage (who knew?)  inexplicably as a doctor in a hospital doing an ultrasound on Jin (or is that the husband...you know, the Korean woman.) I may have gotten this part mixed up. That's easy when you're retching.
 
Cuteness supplied by several babies, two birthing scenes (Clare, Jin, etc.) and a bushy-tailed puppy dog who licks blood off of Jack's face as he dies (except he doesn't).
 
Sawyer does not remove his shirt though he gets wet.
 
Hugo does not reveal the secret of his magic ever-present numbers.

Jin (or is it the other one) speaks English again.

Sayid has not succeeded in his quest for a hair brush.

Jack's father comes back from the dead (empty coffin cliche); sample dialog (note: may have been altered to protect the writers from ridicule):

Jack: Father? [accompanied by his underwhelming look of surprise] What are you doing here?
Father: Where is here?
 
Male chauvinism seems to have taken over. I didn't remember so many more male characters than women; in any event the females collectively had about 12 lines in these two hours. Maybe this is actually a GOOD THING as it may indicate a sensibility on the part of the writers that women are less likely to be TERMINALLY PRETENTIOUS (except Kate, whom I forgive for that gorgeous profile ... I wonder if she's had a nose job, it's just too perfect sideways.)
 
Comic relief: none. Unless you count the fact that the whole thing was so ludicrous that snide laughter was the only was to deal with it.

Everyone, babies and all, meet in an interminable silent final scene in a church. Much hugging and pairing off. Oddly, not Jack and Kate (who has sadly changed out of her black mini, no doubt in the church vestibule.) All smile. Someone walks out of church doors into painfully bright white light and vanishes. Blackout.

After being endlessly lost for two more hours: Lost: R. I. P."

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